How to Find a Good Counselor

FINDING THE RIGHT COUNSELOR

Depression, anxiety, addiction, life issues, it can make living life a living hell sometimes. Counseling was my best option to get help out of that hell.

Counseling can be the greatest gift that anyone can receive when they are depressed, scared, or just going through life and needing a friendly ear. The right counselor can set you free of your problems and help give your life a new and rewarding direction.  Finding the right person to do that job can be a daunting task and if you get paired up with a counselor who doesn’t match your personality or beliefs it can send you in the wrong direction.

I have been through 25 years of counseling. I WAS a victim of child sexual abuse and emotional abuse.  I say WAS because after finding the right people to help me over that bridge I can finally put the past behind me and live life happy and to the fullest.  I have my ups and downs like every other human being out there. But, I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I hailed from.

You might think 25 years is an awful long time to go through seeing someone to talk to.  Well, because of the abuse, I had to go back and learn life lessons that were taken away from me at such an early age. I had times of life that I was doing great and did not need a counselor, but when I would encounter a hang up, I went straight back to counseling to help me over that bump. There is no shame in telling you, I needed that help; another human being to listen to my pain and give me the comfort of knowing that they were there to help me rise above the problem and conquer the pain.  The right people in this position will set you soaring in life. They will help you gain perspective in a way you cannot do yourself. That perspective is what gave me courage to try different things and heal the wounds that had so deeply inflicted my soul that I was being held back from true happiness.

Counselors are doctors of the soul, and as such, they need to be in harmony with who you are as a person, or it can harm you and not give you the relief you need.  So, how do you find that special person?

BELIEF SYSTEM

Start with you. What are your beliefs? Are you atheist, agnostic, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, or some other religious belief? How important are your beliefs to you? This is a very important staring point. Your beliefs define your very nature and how you handle life. Seeking a counselor that will honor your belief system in your treatment will be of great benefit to you, in that you will be able to express yourself in a more honest manner. As an example, my beliefs are very important in my life. Jesus is at the very heart of my soul. Until I found a Christian counselor, I was lost in the mix of counselors who did not believe and it made me feel like I was floating in a sea of doubt.  Even though other counselors had good insights, it was never enough. I wanted what God wanted for my life; for God to speak through this person with love and understand that He is my ultimate counselor.

In my 25 years of experience, I found only three people that fit that makeup.  Those three people brought me further in a shorter amount of time than the others did in months of basic counseling work.  If you have a different set of beliefs than I, you will be seeking someone who will honor those beliefs and help you feel that your belief system matters.  Please note, however, that you do not want someone who will use your beliefs to down play your pain and in essence use it against you. I have had this experience as well. This counselor I speak of had so much religion in her repertoire that she really missed out on my pain and made me feel judged instead of healed.  She and I lasted only a few weeks together.

With all that in mind, it’s a good idea to ask your counselor before you get started if they will honor your belief system, or non-belief system, in your sessions. When you are making your first appointment, set out to ask that important question before you even walk through their door.

MALE OR FEMALE

Have you thought about whether you would be comfortable sharing something with the opposite sex or even the same sex? In my experience, I was always uncomfortable sharing sensitive information with the opposite sex. This was because I was sexually abused. However, as time and my healing progressed I found a wonderful human being who was male that I enjoyed sharing with. But when it was necessary for me to feel a female perspective because I doubted myself as a female, I made sure that I asked for a female counselor.

It may be that you don’t mind either sex as a trusted counselor, that it would be ok for either to help you. Your comfort level with a counselor is going to make or break your healing with the guidance of that person.  The question you must ask yourself is if there is anything in your troubles that you would have trouble sharing with a male or female.  You must be able to share what is ailing you in order to begin your healing in that area.

UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR

This part of seeking a counselor can be difficult at first, but can make or break a counseling relationship.  I have two experiences in mind to share with you as an example of how a counselor’s behavior can affect your therapy session. The first one that comes to mind is of a counselor that I poured my heart out to, tears running down my face as I explained to her how hard it was for me in an environment where others were picking on me because I am shy and tender hearted. I was experiencing others taking advantage of my kindness and making fun of me and mistreating me just for being quiet, an introvert so to speak. Instead of offering advice and ways to cope, this counselor told me if she worked with me she would probably treat me the same way and take advantage of me too. Now to be completely honest with you, that is the only thing I can remember about our sessions because it shocked and angered me so much that I quit therapy with her after that. She did not help me but made my pain worse. What I should have done immediately was ask for new counsel. But, as I said, I am an introvert and painfully aware of others feelings. All I could think of was that I was done with this woman and that I was better off on my own.  This was wrong thinking, but you can see why I left.

The correct response should have been, “That isn’t helpful.” Then I should have spoken with management and asked for new counsel. Kicking myself now, I can see that just walking away was not helpful for her either. She could not benefit from my silence and may have hurt others with the same problems I was having.

The other experience I had with unacceptable behavior was that of a woman who was consistently late for our appointment, cut our therapy short because it was after hours for her and talked to me about her job and how it was tough learning new things for the sessions. Now, I don’t know about you, but I am paying this person to help me with my problems not listen to her complaints about her job. In addition, she farted and burped loudly during times I was speaking.  Not only was it disgusting to me but it left me feeling like she didn’t care if she heard my pain.

Never let behavior like this go unchecked. You have a right to quality therapy.

On the opposite side, I had a therapist who showed interest in my life. She always started with a smile and ended my therapy sessions with a hug and wishes of wellbeing.  She brought me the furthest out of my pain than any other therapist. She showed me kindness that I needed in my life.  Now hugs may not be acceptable to you, but this is an example of behavior that was acceptable to me in the context it was given and in fact made me feel as if she genuinely cared about me and my wellbeing.

APPROACH TO THERAPY

Counselors will have a plan as to how to approach your therapy. Some counselors will allow you to do most of the talking and then offer their insights and suggestions with examples and often times utilize literature to guide you when you are out on your own. Other counselors let you do all the talking; ask you how you would solve the problem on your own with little guidance and ask you to keep track of how your approach helps or deters you from solving those problems. Yet again, there are others that do most of the talking; giving you diagnoses and technical terms for what you are experiencing. These counselors will also provide literature for further explanation. Then there are counselors who incorporate all means of therapy, letting you choose the direction. These are the ones that are worth your time and your money.

Discuss your counselor’s therapy approach up front and determine if their plan will work for you and benefit you.

MEDICINE

There are of course sources of therapy in many places. Not all sources incorporate medical means. For those that do, they are able to prescribe medicine or other medical approaches to aid in your healing. If you are currently taking medicine as a part of your healing process, you may want to consider a counselor who is able to continue or incorporate your medicine into the plan for your therapy.  If you are unable to find someone in that capacity, it is always an option to have your physician handle that part of your journey.

SO HOW ABOUT IT?

All these ideas I have given you are only a small step in making progress towards your goal. Wherever you are at in your healing process, you are ultimately in charge. You must take the steps necessary to reach your goal. Remember that no one can take those steps for you. The more work you put into your therapy the faster you will heal.

Do you have a bad therapy experience you would like to share? Have any insights to choosing the right counselor? Let us know! Share your experience in the comment section below! And as always subscribe to our blog for helpful tips and insights.